Another Tip: Baby Steps

Children look to the parents for approval in their accomplishments and disapproval in their failures. It is very important that we celebrate all the small successes that our children have and encourage them to stand up when they fall down.

Zenith (my eldest son) taught me this lesson of baby steps. Zenith did not start off loving to read by himself. He loved to be read to. It was good that he was interested in us reading to him but we cannot be around all the time. He needs to learn how to read by himself. However, no matter how much we encourage him, he would not read a book by himself. He will select the book and drop it on our laps and gesture us to read.

Then I decided to aim to have him read only one page. One page with only one sentence. It did not work. My final try was to read the whole book for him until the last page. Then I asked him to read with me for the last page. It took a while before he wanted to read. But slowly, he grown accustomed to reading that last page together with me. Then, it proceeded on:

- he read the last page by himself
- he read the last 2 pages together with me
- he read the last 2 pages by himself
- and the list goes on

It took sometime before he could pick up a book and read the book all by himself. And it was a series of very small incremental improvements. It was a series of baby steps.

Here is how you break something into baby steps:

- What is the main goal?
- Break it into very small successes
- Encourage your child whenever he reach a small success
- Modify and try, try and modify

For example, your goal is to have your child practice ten Math word problems per week. Let him start with one word problem first and encourage him to check his work when he is done. Celebrate his success when he gets that one word problem correct. Increase it to two Math word problems after a few days. And so on. You get the point?

Do you have any good examples on small steps to share?

One Small Tip To Motivate Your Child

Today, I will be sharing a small tip to motivate your child. One critical step.

Define the meaning of success to your child
How do you view success for your child when he attempts his learning? Is it getting the right answer? Is it getting 100 marks? What is success to you? What is the success that we teach our children? If you cannot define success for yourself, how can you define it to your child?

There was once in life I believed success was getting the best grades for myself, to be the best among my friends, to have A*s in PSLE, to have A1s in 'O' level, to have As in 'A' levels, to score as many As in university, to earn the most dollars, etc....

I had an A* in PSLE, but I was not happy with this success. (I was really mediocre at that point.)
I had 4 A1s in 'O' levels, and I was still not happy. (Considering my secondary school, 4 A1s is actually quite spectacular.)
And the grades goes on. I did not feel successful.

As I grew older, the idea of success intrigued me more and more.

I realised that success is a journey. It is definitely not a destination. There is no surer way to demotivate a child then to tell him that he has arrived at the destination of success. If he has succeeded, where can he go from here? If he has reached the highest point in his life, where can he go from here?

I define success as a journey to my children. It is the process of how we improve ourselves continuously in such a way that the 'me' today is better than the 'me' yesterday.

Math is no longer getting to the right answer. It is about thinking how we solved the problem and what are the tools we used. It is about having fun with numbers. It is about accumulating more strategies in tackling Math problems. It is about becoming better.

English is no longer about grammar rules and learning new words. It is about how beautiful English is as a language and how it is being defined within its boundaries. It is about enjoying the stories together. It is about writing a story together. It is about HOW we get to the final product rather than the final product itself. It is about becoming better at the language.

Playing is no longer about winning. It is okay to lose. It is the fun that we derive from playing that is most precious. Losing and winning are just by-products of playing.

If we define success as a process, then your child will have no fear of failing. It is impossible to fail! Mistakes will only make your child better as he learns from it.

As parents, we gauge our own success in terms of how we understand our children's learning. We learn more about what our children do not know or do not understand. We equipped ourselves with more strategies to impart knowledge to our children. It is not about the child getting the correct answer. It is the process of how we are better today as a parent than yesterday. It is about how to become partners with your child in his learning.

Think about it in another way. If your child can get all the right answers for his worksheets, but dread to spend time with you anymore. Is this success?

Until then, be motivated!

little motivator

Rapport for Learning

There are two emotional factors that affect learning: the mood for learning and the rapport for learning. One comes from the child himself and the other comes from external parties like teachers, parents and friends.

Today, I will be touching on the rapport for learning.

Before I became a teacher, I thought the single most important thing that can attract the child to learn is the delivery of the lesson. If the lesson is very interesting, the child would definitely learn. I was not entirely wrong, but the lesson itself is only one part of the equation.

Learning can be greatly enhanced if the child likes you.

Picture yourself learning some skills from someone you like. Then, picture yourself learning something from someone you don't like. There is a vast difference in absorbing the content.

And there is also a vast difference in being motivated to complete the assignment that follows.

If it is a teacher whom I liked, I would want to do my best for the assignment. Otherwise, I will just make do with whatever answers I have.

You get what I mean?

Hence, rapport for learning is very important. Your child will be motivated to learn if you have the rapport with him. This rapport can be established via 3 main areas.


Bonding
Parents have this natural bond with their children. It is there simply because you are the child's parent. It is created when the child is born. Your child depends on you for many things and has learnt to trust you since he was very young. This bonding is also enhanced through play and communication.

Some parents sacrifice this bond when they coach their children in their learning. The parent projects his expectations on the child and stress the child out. The child feels that the parent is not on their side anymore and he grows apart from his parent. The child starts to perform according to their parents expectations and learns to provide 'the right answer'. Slowly, the child dislikes learning (and sometimes dislike the parent too).

We have to remember that we are adults and our children draw their emotional support from us. If we focus too much on the results and take away the emotional support, the child will be unmotivated to learn because learning is not emotionally safe anymore. To the child, learning seems to bring a lot of scolding and rejection from the parent.

To repair the bond, the parent must find time to play with the child, to find out what is bringing joy to the child's life and to talk to the child. What you want is to detach the idea that parents equate to scolding and scoring 100 marks. You want your child to understand that you are there and you can help him in his progress.

Focus on long term values
For my children, focusing on long term values is an everyday process. The core values that are being talked about in my family are:

- integrity vs short term gains (very important)
- hard work vs intelligence
- heart work (empathy)
- failure is okay as long as we learn from it
- sharing with others
- saving the planet (save electricity and water)

To impart values, I use stories and teachable moments. I will read a story and engage the child by asking moral questions. Sometimes, I will use a 'grey' story and see how my child react.

When a parent focuses on long term values, the child feels safe and gains a perspective about the right thing to do. It is less intrusive and more interesting to the child. When your child sees that you practise what you teach, he will model after you as well. When he models after you, you are on his side and his rapport with you increases.


Focus less on short term results
Notice that I did not say "do not focus on short term results". If you totally ignore short term results, the child may lose the direction for the learning. For example, if you are teaching addition of fractions and you are totally not interested if your child can get the addition correct, then what is the point of learning? You are teaching your child the addition of fractions so that he can learn the skill. Hence, the natural goal is to get the addition of fractions correct.

Now that we are clear about the goal, we focus on the more important part: the process. It can be broken down into 9 steps:

1. Did we get it right?
2. Why did we get it wrong?
3. Did I change the denominator to the same?
4. Why do we need to change the denominator?
5. When I change the denominator, did you change the numerator accordingly?
6. Did I add correctly?
7. Did I add the denominators together (when I am not supposed to add them)?
8. Did I check my work?
9. Is it a careless mistake?

When I teach a child on a one-to-one basis, I ask a lot more than the above. I ask lots of questions (in a curious way, not the frustrated way) to uncover the process that is going on in the child's brain. It is time consuming but it is important to nip the misconceptions in the bud.

When a child observes that you are interested in the process more than the results, he will feel safer when he did not get the right answer. He will feel safe to explore the failure and understand the topic more thoroughly than just focus on the strategy to get the right answer.

The rapport is built when your child sees that he fails together with you, rather than failing on his own.

(By the way, teaching addition of fractions is easy. It is preventing the mistakes that is difficult.)


It is important for you to build the rapport with your child. Learning will be improved and relationships will become less tense.

Happy building! Get on the same side as the child!

little motivator

Routines! Routines! Routines!

Children love routines.

If you did not get it the first time, children love routines. They love it because it gives them a sense of security and predictability. They feel safe when things happen in a regular sequence and when they are able to do those things independently.

Both my children have their own routines. They have their day routines.

Meal Routine

Playtime Routine

Nap Routine

Outdoor Play Routine

And they have evening routines.

Reading Routine

Homework Routine

1. Routines form habits

Routines are good for my children because they will eventually form habits. If you have a routine of brushing teeth everyday, they will acquire the habit of brushing teeth. If you have the routine of regular meal times everyday, they will form the habit of timely meals. If you have a routine of reading everyday, they will form the habit of reading.

At this point, I must tell you something. To make routines effective, you must explain to your children why certain things need to be done. Children are very simple and will almost accept your explanations if you explain clearly to them. For example, I showed Zenith a cartoon about decayed teeth and explained to him why brushing teeth is important. To create an effective reading routine for Zenith, I read to him interestingly with role play and stuff. I ask questions about the story/character and guide him in asking questions. This will make him look forward to reading time everyday.

2. Routines make your child feel independent

Once the routine is in place, your child will feel independent and have a sense of mastery over their activities. They feel good if they can do things without being asked to and parents can feel less naggy too. :)

The beginning of a routine always require intervention. Once the routine is set in, the child should be able to execute the actions himself and feels good about it.

3. Routines prevents conflicts between your child and you

When Zenith was younger, he refused to sit in his stroller when he was going to the child care centre. He wanted to walk with us. The stroller became a trolley for bags. It was okay for a while until my wife got pregnant with Zach, and Zenith got too active. My work requires me to go to my work place in the wee hours in the morning and I could not be there to chase after Zenith. It was dangerous as we need to cross a few roads before arriving at the child care centre. So we came up with a routine for him. He will have to sit in his stroller right away at our door step after he wore his shoes. At first, he would cry and throw tantrums even after we explained to him about the roads being dangerous and all. However, as time passed, he got into the routine of sitting in his stroller after wearing his shoes and there was less stress on Kat and me.

Routines eliminate the chances of power struggles. Once it is there, it becomes natural for the kids to follow it and it becomes less probable for them to throw tantrums. (However, there will still be times where they will throw tantrums. I'll talk about it in a while.)

4. Routines let kids have something to look forward to everyday

Zenith's favorite routine everyday is his 15 minutes of Ipad time in the evening. He can choose any educational games or ebooks that I installed for him. While some may disapprove of using electronic devices with children, I think it is perfectly okay if you use it in the right manner. Complete abstinence is no good. It makes the Ipad even more attractive to them because they have no access to it.

The Ipad time is there for 2 reasons. One is to keep him on par with his friends. When they talk about Angry Birds Star Wars, Zenith can relate with them and won't feel left out. The other reason is to teach him to use Ipad for learning and development, not only to play games. So he reads and do math on his Ipad as well. Recently, I also introduced Chinese character writing to him on the Ipad.


No matter how well the routines are, children will almost always throw tantrums once in a while. If they throw tantrums, we need to find out the source of the tantrums. Sometimes, they are tired. Sometimes, they are hungry. Sometimes, they are not feeling well. Sometimes, they just need a hug from you.

Punishment should always be the last resort and not the first solution for violating routines.

Lastly, routines are not rules casted in stone. Sometimes, we can be flexible and show our children that we can make choices and decisions based on what is presented to us on that particular day. For example, if it is a birthday celebration, then it is okay to sleep later than usual. If the weather is good, a walk in the park can be inserted into the time table. We want to teach our kids how to react to the changes in life too. We would not want them to become too inflexible.

Have a great time implementing healthy routines in your child's life!

Until then,
little motivator