Autonomy, but not too much autonomy

If we give the right choices, the child makes the correct decision

It has been a long time since my last post. Having a third child is no joking matter. I have become like ten times busier (no exaggeration at all). Though it was a crazy day for me, I have some time to write before I get busy again.

By now, you would know that I am a firm believer of two things in learning: intrinsic motivation and game theory. I believe in making learning fun to the child and I believe in the child wanting to learn on their own.

Today, I am going to share a strategy of giving autonomy to your child without letting them choose the wrong thing.

As children grow older, they want to be independent. This is perfectly normal and natural. They want to show their independence by making decisions. And as parents, we must help them to develop good decision-making skills. We cannot give them the full autonomy as they are still children. They need to be guided in their decision-making process. This guided decision is made within our boundary of acceptance and maturity as adults.

Some guided decisions I help my son make:

1. Do you want to do Math or English for the next 30 minutes?
2. Do you want to watch TV first or do your work first?
3. Do you want to bathe first or play iPad first?

In other words, you give your child a list of choices to choose from. They have to choose from this list that you made. In the beginning, the choices are very limited and it is harder to get the child to make the decision. You have to provide choices so that the child makes the first move to choose. Let me warn you, it is not going to be easy. However, it will get easier each time your child make the decision. Psychologically, it has subtle but amazing impact on your child every time he chooses. Once your child makes the decision, he will be unconsciously committed to the decision and will do his best to follow through his decision (you can read more on cognitive dissonance about this). There is no guarantee, but him making the decision is definitely better than the decision you made for him.

Guided decision is a very powerful tool, but it is not easily carried out.

- The parent must not show emotions when guiding the decision, or else, the child will 'read' the parents and choose the 'correct thing'. This way, the decision is not a true choice that the child make and it is not going to be effective. The child must make the decision himself.

- It is easier to make the decision for your child. It is time-saving and less emotional. My eldest son can take ages to decide on something. Sometimes, it takes about a good ten minutes of choices before he decides on one. However, I can assure you that the ten minutes is well-spent as it will build the sense of autonomy in the child and he would want to complete the task to his best ability. If you made the decision for him and saved the ten minutes, you may spend a lot of time 'saving' the child in future.

So, how do we guide the decision?

1. The list of tasks must be comparable.
Do you want to do your Math worksheet or play iPad today? Children will choose play all the time. The choices must be comparable. One 45-minute English paper vs one 45-minute Math paper. Reading an English book for 10 minutes vs reading a Chinese book for 20 minutes. Playing football for 30 minutes vs cycling for 30 minutes. If the choices are not on par, the child will always choose the easier and the more fun part.

2. The sequencing is important.
I usually use before and after as a choice as it is logical to the child. Do you want to do your English homework first or bathe first? Do you want to do your Math homework first or play with your toys first? (My personal preference is that I want to cultivate a work-first-play-later culture at home. So I create better deals for this. If you do your homework first, then you will have 30 minutes of play-time. If you play first, you will only have 20 minutes of play. The rationale I give my child is that you need to set aside more time for work as it is more unpredictable than play. However, this is my preference. You may not want to adopt this.)

3. The effort is more important than the decision
If Zenith chose to do his work first and he has struggled for 45 minutes without completing his work, I will allow him to play and then go back to his work. This is because he has already made the commendable decision of work-first-play-later. I will judge the quality of work and adjust the sequence accordingly. If he has struggled 45 minutes doing his English worksheet, I will let him do the Math worksheet first. Then we go back to the English paper if he still has energy. There is also a possibility of little effort as well. For example, I have a student who will consistently choose work first, but produce sloppy work and proceed to play. For this, the adult has to gauge the quality of work. If too many careless mistakes are present, then the child cannot proceed to play. For me, I will make corrections more time-consuming then getting the work right the first time. This way, the child actually spent more time on work if he is careless.

4. Praise the child when he makes the decisions.
This will reinforce his independence and his confidence in making the decision. It will also help the child to commit to his decision.

Lastly, I want to end this write-up by highlighting something. Play should not be a reward to work. The value should be when we work, we work hard, when we play, we play hard too. These days, I witness too many children producing the minimum requirements for work to get to play fast.

When the child makes the decision, highlight to the child that it is his decision and he has to put in his best efforts.

Do not downplay the play for your child. I play hard when my son plays Plant vs Zombies on my iPad with me. I express happiness, excitement and joy when I play with him. In retrospect, I express curiosity, I think aloud, I ponder and I work hard when doing his homework with him.

We may have grown up and forgotten how it is like to be a child, but our children are still children.

Happy motivating your child!
(^_^)